"I dunno what you're even so upset about," I mumbled, shoving the drawer shut with a thud. "Nothing /happened/, Lyre. He didn't do anything. You left before anything got anywhere, it wore off, and you didn't manage to...y'know, claw him or anythin'--"
"What I am upset about?" Lyre hissed, slamming her hands down on the kitchen table.
"Hey Sil, there's something in the books I need to ta--"
"Your number-crunching whore DRUGGED ME, Sil, that's what I'm upset about!"
There was this strangled little sound, like a sparrow's leg getting twisted off.
Julian was standing in the kitchen doorway, holding this past week's records and a pencil. He stared at Lyre, shock and disbelief on his face. Lyre saw where I was looking and turned, and then she saw him too.
"Oh, damn," I heard her whisper.
Julian turned and ran off, dropping the papers and everything.
I hefted the knife and shoved it through the frozen hamburger meat on the cutting slab.
"Vack's sake, Lyre," I grunted. "Like you've never been drugged before."
"I...well, shit," Lyre said, and collapsed into a kitchen table. She pushed her fingers through her hair, yanking it out of its shape, and looked up at me desperately through her fingers. "Vack, Sil, what do I do now?"
"I dunno. The drugs are all through you, right?"
"About--he was just here, Sil, you saw his face--what do I do about your--"
"My number-crunching whore?" I asked. She could hear I was pissed about it now, the way my voice sliced the words like the knife through the meat. "Well Goddagg, Lyre, maybe you should go vackin' apologize?"
"But--Sil. He drugged me."
"So interrogate him too an' shit or whatever."
"Why would I--"
"Because I doubt he did drug you, Lyre. Maybe someone tried t' drug someone else an' you just picked up the wrong glass."
"It was the only glass at the entire party that had only water in it, Sil."
"So maybe whoever drugged it picked the wrong glass. Either way, you aren't apologizin' for bein' mad about him probably not druggin' you, you are apologizin' for callin' my employee a whore."
"But--"
"God sake, Lyre, if you tell me you don't do PR for a reason I will shove this knife through your face. Now go tell the poor fem you're damn well sorry."
I went and told him I was damn well sorry. It took a little while to find him. The whole place smelled like him or Sil or things to do with metal and grease. I couldn't find him by scent. So I stopped and listened.
Oh, damn, I could hear him crying.
I wanted to stop and wait until he stopped, because I hated it when people cried. And I never knew what to do. Or I hated it because I never knew what to do.
But that would have been selfish. And...and Sil was right. Julian probably hadn't drugged me. One could argue he still shouldn't have tried to take advantage of the situation, but from what I did remember I knew he had been rather high himself. He likely hadn't been even aware I was drugged.
More and more I came around to the probability that I didn't know who had done it, which I didn't like because that meant I couldn't immediately punish them for it.
That didn't mean Julian deserved to suffer in their stead.
I found him out back, tucked behind a dumpster. I was fairly sure he couldn't smell the horrible things in it, because if he could have he would not have picked it as the place to have an emotional breakdown.
I hesitated, took a breath, and faced the music.
"I...J--Julian?"
He looked up at me in horror, then tucked his face back into his knees and hunched away from me.
"Go away," he mumbled. He was shaking.
"Julian, I've come to apologize. I was angry. I shouldn't have said...You aren't a whore. I didn't mean that."
"Go away. You hate me."
"I do not hate you, Julian."
"Yes you do!" He turned his face up to me, all his eye makeup running every which-way with his tears. I had never noticed how vividly blue his eyes were--it couldn't be natural.He must have had something done to them. And they were piercing through me like two needles, burning with pain and betrayal. "You hate me because I annoy you! I just wanted you to like me and nothing would work, and last night you suddenly did like me, and I'm sorry I didn't know you were vacking drugged, if I had I wouldn't've--I wouldn've--" he broke down sobbing again, hugging his knees tighter to his chest as he shook.
I felt like the most horrible person in the world. Worlds.
"Julian," I said, and sat down next to him, leaning back against the brick wall. "I do not hate you. And I am sorry, I didn't mean what I said. Being angry is no excuse."
"Go away," he whimpered.
"I can't," I sighed. "I want you to feel better first."
"Yeah?" he asked, looking up at me again. He looked angry now. "Do you really want to make me feel better?"
"Yes," I said uncertainly, unsure of where this was going.
"Then leave me the vack alone."
"That won't make you feel better," I said gently. "Because then you'll talk yourself into feeling worse."
"You don't know a vacking thing about me," he hissed, the words crackling through his bared teeth.
"I know you hate being alone," I murmured. "I know you truly, deeply hate it. You're afraid that no one loves you. Which isn't true, I know Sil cares about you, more than she'd ever tell anyone, and I know Glow admires you, and he's jealous of you. I know you prefer lite beer if you have to drink beer, and you only really like appletinis, but women make fun of you and say you don't know how to have a good time, so you drink heavier to impress them. I know you hate lipstick, and you wouldn't even wear chapstick if you didn't have to now and then. I know you like electropop music and rap and heavy metal, and green is your favourite colour, and you are afraid of needles, which is why you keep turning down Jared's offer to get a tattoo, even though you like tattoos."
He was staring at me now. Lots of people were amazed when I told them things about themselves without ever really interacting with them very much. You didn't have to be a mindreader or ask them thousands of questions to get to know people. You just had to pay attention, and watch what they did, and watch their faces and body language.
My face was very close to his now. His eyes were red and puffy and watery, and he smelled like tears.
What I am not telling you is that I don't know these things about everyone because I don't watch everyone like I watch you. I watch you like I watch you because I can't stop watching you because...I don't know why and that really does frighten me.
"I also know that your eyes would have been beautiful enough before you had their colour enhanced or started wearing all these long faux lashes," I murmured. "And I know you don't really need to wear makeup."
"I look better with it," Julian mumbled, sniffling.
"You are lovely without it," I said. "I've seen you in the morning when you get up and make coffee. You don't look better with it. You just look a different kind of beautiful."
"God," he said, and almost smiled a little. He rubbed his eyes furiously with his sleeve, then looked at it. "Shit," he mumbled. "I forgot I had stuff on and shit. Now my shirt's all..." he showed to me and said, "...icky."
"...Yes," I said uncertainly, though his immature phrasology made me smile. "It is...very icky."
"It sounds funny when you say it," he said, and smiled again.
My God, but he had a beautiful smile and damn I was blushing a little.
"Yes, it does," I grunted, clearing my throat gruffly. I offered him a hand and we stood up. "I am...sorry. Again. I didn't mean it."
His face darkened again and he turned away. I shouldn't have brought it up, I should have let it go...
"Yeah. Whatever. It's okay."
"No it's not," I said desperately. Damn it, why didn't I just let it go? "I...I should make it up to you--"
"Lyre. It's okay. It's just words an' shit, it doesn't matter--"
"I made you cry, I should at least--"
"I said it's fine--"
"--Take you to dinner."
"What?"
What?
"I..." Julian turned and blinked up at me.
"What did you just say?"
"I...well..." What did I just say? "I..." Get a hold of yourself, woman. I straightened my shoulders and cleared my throat. "I asked you to dinner."
"...um." He was smiling, rubbing his eyes again. "Um. When?"
"Ah. Tonight?"
"Really?"
I had a very bad feeling that this was actually in fact a very bad idea, but I couldn't very well retract my offer, could I? I mean, I did want to take him to dinner, and I had for a little while, but I hadn't because I had things to do--I STILL had things to do. I would be too busy to pursue this, I couldn't start this now, it was going to end badly...
"Yes. Of course. Tonight. I'll be here to pick you up at eight."
"Um. Okay. That's awesome." He smiled at me and I felt a little dizzy and forgot where we were for a moment.
"I...yes.
"See you tonight," he said, combing his fingers through his hair, and went back in side.
I stood there in the empty alley, staring confusedly at nothing.
"What just happened?" I asked myself.
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D'awwwww
ReplyDeleteLyre is adorable.